mom left behind

If they coud only understand

2010-08-18T03:42:00.000-07:00

It's been a while since I've had something I needed to say to my followers. I am now in a place I really don't know how to handle. How do I explain to those close tome that did not know Jason: that there are some things they will never understand. They can not miss someone they have never met. They can not fell the loss of someone that was never there for them. They can never remember the loved one in ways that I do. They can even be insensitive to the feeling, emotions and behaviors that I display.
I want so much to be able to explain to them these things, but to no avail. I don't know if it is because they are unable to have empathy or if they just choose to not see the pain sorrow, loss and emptiness that is within my heart. It does not mean that I have not moved forward and learned to enjoy my my life and appreciate the blessings I have in my life, including them. I am so sorry that they did not know my special boy, Jason. I know that had they known him they would have the understanding of what I go through. I will always have times of feeling the loss of Jason. I will miss him until I see him again in eternity.
I just needed to write this and maybe someone else is feeling the same things.

It is what it is?

2010-03-13T13:18:00.000-08:00

Have you ever heard the statement "It is what it is?" Well I don't quite get it. I am not a person to just let the world pass me by. If I sat back on my haunches and let things just happen, I'd be in a sorry state.
One might say "God has everything under control, so there is nothing for me to do." I don't think that is how God operates. I believe that through our lives we are faced with giants that we have no idea as to how to conquer. I also hope that it is God at work in me that gives me the strength to carry on. It is God working in others as they hold out their hands to help when they see me suffering. The problem that can happen when we allow fear, anxieties, self condemnation or self righteousness to enter our lives is that we come to believe the lies of the world.
So how do we keep the giants of guilt, sorrow, doubt and fear at bay; or even better conquered for good? I don't want anyone to think that I have it all figured out, but I would like to offer some of the actions that have allowed me to take baby steps as I travel the rugged road of grief. There isn't a formula, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I have had to learn some very difficult facts of life. Like my son, Jason will not walk through the door and I will wake up from this terrible nightmare. I have had to realize that I can not pretend everything is OK, when it isn't. While I battle with the doubts and insecurities in my mind that are only lies, I have to look outside of my self to others that truly care about me. I had to take steps out onto a tightrope without a net. I had to enter places I have never gone. I had to embrace my grief just long enough to feel it fully then to let it go and let things be just what they are. A most horrible event that crushes your heart. Then giving a tattered and torn heart to a Loving God to be healed. I know that real healing comes as I travel the road, not chosen by me. but never the less a road that must be explored. Finding along the way nuggets of truth. I met compassion, love, mercy and grace. There was no way around the path, but there is something to be revealed, to be experienced and to be comforted by.
We all have different journeys yet the same destination. We can arrive at a place that the love felt for our lost loved one is catapulted into a place of making a difference for others. I have not met a survivor that does not eventually reach out to someone else that is hurting in the same way they hurt. I see that as Hope for the Hopeless, Help for the Helpless and a place of safety for a broken heart that does not know what to do with the realities before them.
May prayer and hope is for those that are tormented and in despair can hear someone say "I care" and then then hold on until the storm passes.

Mom Left Behind

Happy Birthday Jason!!!

2010-03-05T12:56:00.000-08:00

March 5th, 2010

I started my blog today with the date.I do so because today is Jason's birthday. He would be 35 years old today.He would have the chance to see his grandson and share in all of his family and friends joys and hardships. I have spent time today contacting the family of Andrew Koenig, who dies by suicide last week. I felt that today was the day to to so. Jason's birthday. As the years have past I have found ways to keep Jason's memory alive. I will light a candle for him today. I will spend time reliving the day he was born and hope to make it through the day with joy and freedom from the sadness and sorrow that sometimes comes without warning.
Today is also a very important day for another reason. Today is our 15th wedding anniversary. We chose this date to be married so as to always have a reason to be happy and joyful for the life God has given us to share together.
I am also very grateful that I am here today to grieve or be joyful. To have been given another year in the Shadow of cancer. I can only be filled with the gratitude that is only been possible by the grace and mercy of God.
I close now to enjoy this very special day with my husband, my friend and lover.
Take care of your self and always be aware of the time you have been given and thankful for the loved ones in your life.

Pattie
Mom left behind

Hope through the dark times

2010-02-24T12:45:00.000-08:00

My apologies for being so lax in my writings. I have had a week of physical challenges. I do have much to say right now and hope I can communicate it in a way that it can be understood as intended. I have certain times of the year that are more difficult to deal with than others and this is one of those times.
March 5th, 1975 my son Jason was born. He started his life with some difficulties. He was only 5 lbs. 7 oz. and had a double inguinal hernia, which required surgery. He was 7 months old before that was done. Until then he was in a great amount of pain at times. I can still remember as if it where yesterday, rocking him and singing to him just to keep him from crying constantly. I can feel his tiny body in my arms and feeling so helpless to bring him comfort. This is a part of the loss that can bring me the most pain.
I can at times wonder if this Early circumstance in his life led to a long term feeling of unexplained and not understood pain that brought him to the point of despair that led to his death. It is not that I feel that there was any guilt or responsibility on my part for this fact. It is just a pondering that occurs at times.
After a time, after his birthday has past and spring comes to spread it's beauty to be absorbed. I will remember the truth of God's hand in all things. That through the darkest times of winter there is an awakening ahead to behold. The joy of the Resurrection is made known and the pain of my loss is lightened from my heart . I know that with God in control I will be comforted and renewed by his grace and mercy.
I have come to understand that I must have the moments in the valley to appreciate the mountain top experiences so graciously given. My hope is stirred and I am given the opportunity to share his love with others that have lived with the pain of loss.
I hope these words, although may appear to be dark or hopeless can be seen if only dimly a promise of joy to come.

Mom left behind.

For the Lord shall be He is an everlasting light and the days of my mourning shall be ended.
Is.60:20

The Refiners Fire

2010-02-11T13:52:00.000-08:00

Today I have had two people that read my entry yesterday and seemed to come to the conclusion I was slipping into a depression or had lost my way. I don't know how to respond to this except to say that I am very in tuned to my feelings these days.
I once thought I had been handed a bad hand in life. Divorce, abuse, rejection, heartbreak, and many other curve balls. I guess by one persons assessments that is true. I'm not sure I can explain it in a way that it is understood as I mean it to be. ....My life is a life that has been wonderfully made by God. I am His cherished child, just the way I am. With all my defects. God has even given me the gift of being refined by the fire of this world. All of my adversities are only opportunities to grow closer to Him and have courage and strength produced to stretch out my hand to someone else. A way to touch someone's life in a positive way.
The times of reflection(Or looking into the past ) are one way that I become aware of what God has done and continues to do in my life. Maybe that appears as if I am falling into dangerous territory but if I do I don't ever go there alone. My God and his son are always with me. They open my heart to the Holy Spirit and show me how they can operate in and through me.
I hope this puts others concerns to rest. I can never go back to the old ways, not now that I am known by God and covered by the blood of Jesus.

I do have choices!!!

2010-02-10T12:33:00.000-08:00

Have you ever had a day that you would just as soon cancel it for lack of interest? Well today would be that one for me. There are the moments that I question my self and all the choices I have made in my life. When given enough thought they can pull me down to a place that becomes sad, longing for things to be different. I don't really know how different I want things to be but the fact of the way things are now isn't it. I have discovered through many of those low days that they bring to light how very precious the days full of optimism and hope can be. Where did they go? How did I let them slip out of my hand?
Somehow I come to recognize that I have choices in my life and my attitudes that allow me to never stay sad, morose, empty and alone for too long. I have the ability no matter the circumstances to take charge of my life and make it a day of hope. I become aware of the people in my life and that I am assured of their love. I can grasp the fleeting thoughts that make sense to me. Thoughts that tell me that I am not crazy or destined for a life of depression. These revelations have not come easy. I have had to keep forging forward when I wanted to turn around and run to a safe place. (If there even is one) I wish I could tell you that I have achieved the art of "positive thinking or affirmations", but there are times that that just doesn't work. I do know that I have a friend that will never leave me nor forsake me. That is Jesus Christ. He has made that promise to me. All I have to do is reach out my hand to him. Offer him a place in my heart all always and the times of depression are decreased many times over. God offers his presence in many ways. Sometimes it's a hug from a grandchild, a smile from a stranger, a friends phone call. Many times it is in seeing someone that is in a greater need of God's love and reassurance than I am. I then have the opportunity to offer to them what God has given me. That God could possibly use me. It is an awesome fact and I feel so privileged to be able to be God's Hands, feet, and mouth to a dying world. I give God thanks every day for the time he has given me and I hope to never lose hold of the hand that has saved me.

Mom left behind

New and Old

2010-02-03T07:08:00.000-08:00

If you are wondering why I haven't posted anything in a while, it is because I have been very busy with a new and old ventures. It is the first of the month and I have the monthly support group at a local church. I also was invited to attend a 1st meeting to address the impact of Mental illness and substance abuse in our County. I was so very shocked and honored to be invited and can see that after the 1st meeting there is an abundance of work to be done in many areas and venues. Including local behavioural health agencies, Law enforcement, schools, churches, and the media. I hope to be able to offer something too the group. A task force is truly an answer to my prayers. I hope to stay healthy and able to continue the ongoing efforts started with Heartbeat and include other community efforts that are clearly urgent.
We have had a bit of weather in our area and getting places has presented a slight problem. I was able to meet all of my obligations and am thankful for that. I have also had a printer problem that has required a bit of time to correct. (My husband was the champion in getting it up and running) .
I have had some correspondence with some very old friends and with the communication via the Internet have rekindle old friendships, which has been uplifting. I hope all that I am doing here with this time blogging is reaching someone who needs to receive it. My feelings of loss are still a part of my grieving that will never end.It changes shape and form but is always a part of who I am and what I have come to be so passionate about.
I leave you today with this prayer. I hope it offer some peace to everyone.

Prayer for the brokenhearted.

O God,
whose love restores the brokenhearted of this world:
pour out your love,
we beseech you,
upon those who feel
lonely, abandoned, or unloved.
Strengthen their hope
to meet the days ahead;
give them the courage
to form life-giving friendships;
and bless them with joy of your eternal peace

Vienna Cobb Anderson

Suicide Prevention Services Needs Improvement | TopNews New Zealand

2010-02-03T07:06:00.000-08:00

*Suicide* Prevention Services Needs Improvement | TopNews New Zealand

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2010-01-29T06:42:00.000-08:00

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Joy and Praise

2010-01-28T04:21:00.000-08:00

Today I have so much to be thankful for. I have received a good report from the oncologist. I have past my 1 year mark cancer free. I can praise God for all he has done this last year and a half. It has been quite a ride. I am now ready to jump back into what I truly feel so passionate about. The work is great. The need is plenty. The causes of suicide are numerous, but foremost Mental Illness and substance abuse head the list. I ponder each day what I can do too further the awareness of these real and tangible areas in need of attention.
We who are passionate in this area know that the act of suicide is not something that a mentally healthy person will attempt. The times when we meet people or have loved ones who talk about suicide, we should always take them seriously. The stigmas attached to suicide are still a part of society that is inexcusable. I don't want to seem harsh in my statements but until we see suicide as a preventable action, we have not done any help to the people who have already learned this through personal experience. You can not talk to any person who has lost a loved one to suicide with out them honestly saying they would not want any one else to suffer as they do from a suicide of a loved one.
We may not know what to say to a person who is depressed or in some way considering suicide as an option. We CAN be there for them, We can sit with them, We can pray with them, We can encourage them, We can love them. If we are unsure of our own ability to help a person we can certainly do our best to find someone who does know what to say or do. I encourage you, who may not understand the reason for someone that has ended their own life. We can be a comfort to those left behind. For each person that dies by suicide there is someone that loved them that will have to learn how they can live without them.
I am sure now that I can live without my son here on earth with me. I have not always believed that. It has taken many years and a lot of friends and family that have helped through the darkest times. I have done things the wrong way and still God has not left my side. I know this because it is by his spirit I can do whatever is needed today. I will see him again someday.
I hope you find comfort in knowing that not only will you survive this terrible loss but that you CAN come out on the other side of your grief and be even more joyous and alive then you can imagine. Don't ever give up. Reach out to others. Never isolate yourself and allow yourself time to heal. Be honest with yourself and others. They may not understand what you are feeling and they don't always say or do what is helpful for you. They are trying to help and it's OK to tell them what you need from them.
I am sorry that you are in the place that you are and I offer myself to anyone needing to talk or be encouraged. I am truly a friend.I may not know you, but I know the pain.

Pattie
Mom left behind

"He healeth the broken heart, and bindeth up their wounds." Psalm14:3

Answered prayer

2010-01-22T07:13:00.000-08:00

I am so excited today. I have received an answer to my prayers. The prayer of what I know that is needed in the county that I live in. The county I live in has no apparent knowledge or concern in the area of mental illness and death suicide. This is what I thought for the past 2 years. When I started the support group HEARTBEATsurvivorsaftersuicide I did believe that people would respond. I knew the deaths by suicide was a reality for our County. The attendance seemed to be very sporadic. I heard of many people who where survivors. I talked with them. I offered them literature and resources but they were not comfortable with the group setting. I still believe in the support group. I just have come to realize that the awareness, education and stigmas are so great in our community that people did not respond. I have struggled in how to make the issues known and to cause some education in these areas. I have observed by attending events in other counties of our state that the issues are being addressed in a very big way.
Well on Tuesday of this week I received a phone call from the one person who has the position and respect to effect change in these areas. He called me to invite me to a meeting on Feb. 1st to explore the development of a task force to address the area of mental illness in our county.I can not tell you what the response I had from that invitation. I was elated. I could hardly wait to tell everyone of this positive action. It is an answer to my prayers.
My hopes are that through this meeting the beginnings of awareness and education will emerge to effect our county in a positive way. I hope it offers an outreach to those who need the encouragement, support, and resources that will help many people get beyond the crisis in their lives.
Mental illness is the insidious object that invades peoples lives and spreads like a plague. We can make a difference. We must first accept the fact that there is a problem. One person can not do it by themselves but with others coming together you can effect change.
I continue to invite people to the monthly meeting of HEARTBEAT on the 1st Monday of every month at 7pm at Wilkesboro United Methodist Church. Please do not continue to suffer in isolation that is so prevalent to survivors. There is help, right here.
Please continue to pray for the end of mental illness and the endless deaths by suicide this effort.

Mom left behind

Not the victim

2010-01-19T07:10:00.000-08:00

Today I am reminded of the guilt that can grip our lives after the loss of a loved one by suicide. It also reminds me of advice I was given a long time ago. It was that in no way did I want to live my life as a victim. When I am faced with the enemy of guilt I say to myself that I would never had allowed my son to die in any manner, if it had been my choice. I must not take on the mantle of guilt, for it does not allow the responsibility to lie where it belongs.

RESPONSIBILITY
I have the responsibility to those I love...
to be loving, patient, considerate and kind;
to be loyal, respectful, and honest;
to be appreciative, encouraging, and comforting
to share myself and care for myself
to be the best possible "Me",

BUT

I am not responsible for them...
not for their achievements, successes, or triumphs;
not for their joy, gratification, or fulfilment;
not for their defeats, failures, or disappointments;
and not for their suicide.
For had I been responsible
this death would never have occurred.

Mom left behind

iGoogle

2010-01-18T06:54:00.000-08:00

iGoogle

Pray

2010-01-15T09:49:00.000-08:00

Today is a good day to tell any or all of your loved ones just how you feel about them. There are some people that have heard this from me but it bears repeating.
How many days have just swept by without giving a thought to the people we love so much? How many days have drug along that we failed to share the love that is within us? One day there is no time to do something or say something to our loved ones. Then the other days we sit alone fretting over our problems, fears, worries or other demons that haunt us. When the opportunity to say I love you to someone just doesn't cross our minds because other thoughts invade our minds and consume our time. We are so very human in this matter. Sometimes we need a nudge, others times we need a two by four across our heads to remind us that we are blessed in so many ways.
Today I am listening to the news and other telecasts of the needs of the people in Haiti suffering from the results of the earthquake. I am brought to my knees for the ones that are suffering from a loss of any loved one. The loss of life effects us all. Have we become complacent to the things happening to others? We are all at a loss if we look at our abilities to help. I may not be able to be there in body, I may not even have the finances to contribute to the cause, I am very capable to pray as God places the empathy for the people in my heart. I don't know that you can understand how these two things are connected, but as I pray for the people of Haiti I have the opportunity to let the people in my life how very blessed I feel to have them safe and ask them to pray with me. Just for a moment I ask you to set aside your own pain and know there are others that need our help and prayers.
I grieve for all who have loved ones in harms way. In Haiti, Iraq, Iran, and other places that the people of these lands are so torn by the things of this world. The things that really have no importance. This is not a political statement it is a plea for all the world to see how God can change all things. If we would only get out of the the way.
Mom Left behind

Don't give up on me.

2010-01-14T06:27:00.000-08:00

I want to take some time in this days writings to explain a occasional problem with my being able to update my blog as I desire to do. One year ago In October I had gone to my Dr. to see if she could help me with some severe chronic pain in my shoulder. This pain ended up to be lung cancer. I spent that fall and winter undergoing chemo and radiation together. Then surgery on January 8, 2009. Everything went well and they got all the tumor, but there are some after effects. Some times I do not have the energy to expend in sitting down and writing something of any interest to myself much less someone else. I sincerely apologize for this fact, but in giving myself the opportunity to stay healthy so I am able to continue the work that goes along with being an advocate for suicide prevention. As you follow this blog you will find that this and my website is only a part of what I have committed my self to. The involvement that I hope to devote myself to are very diverse and as you follow along I hope you find your own way to become involved. I am completely sure that there is a real significant need to address the problems of suicide prevention and mental illness.
I hope you can excuse me for the times I miss blogging. I will keep this opportunity to connect with others and share what insights, pains, stories, and tears with you to be a very high priority.

Thank you

Mom left behind

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2010-01-11T03:51:00.000-08:00

New challenges

2010-01-11T02:59:00.000-08:00

There are many twists and turns in our lives. Some times they are seen outward and some times they are inward. Well I have had another trial I am dealing with. That trial is the one thing nobody wants to hear. Last October I was diagnosed with lung cancer. It was not as big a bombshell as it may have been to others. Both my mother and father have passed away due to cancer. The very day i was diagnosed my life started into a whirlwind of Dr. appointments and tests. It was decided that the best way to treat the tumor which was primarily outside my lung, pressing against my spine, thyroid and esophagus. I had been in a lot of pain and they wanted to get me relief for that first, second was to biopsy, start chemo and radiation at the same time. After that was completed I would have surgery, which was quite an experience.
I tell you this now because it has shaped my life in a very special way. I have just passed my 1 year cancer free on January 8, 2009. I have had to learn how to do things different due to nerve damage and problems with my breathing. The surgery was successful and I have recovered very well.
I was unable to do a lot of things that I had to differently and ask for help when needed. I have come through this last year with a renewed faith and belief in the power of love expressed by people when you are ill. I have learned that there are so many things that are far more important than what was placed as a priority before the cancer hit. I look at things differently, The way time spent with my loved ones was changed. I was reminded that life is fragile and that we are not promised another day.
I am not the same person physically or spiritually. God is Good and he has given me more time in this world, but has asked to look to where I can make a difference in others lives. this leading me to where I am right now. Being an advocate for the many people that have lost a loved one to suicide. My hope is that someone will be more able to express their feelings early on in their
grieving process and not wait 16 years to recognize the things that are available to them to help them during their journey.
Mom left behind

What now?

2010-01-07T11:59:00.000-08:00

I have come to an impasse that I knew would happen at some time. I have received a phone call from my best friend saying her daughter (35 yrs old) has been talking about the choice of killing herself. Her mother of course has called me, for a number of reasons. 1 being that most children even adult children will not hear anything their own parent says, 2ND the fact that she knows that I have a good relationship with her daughter. This young friend knew my son Jason and even says that when they were just kids she wanted to marry Jason. She was deeply effected by his death and sometimes without any solid reason a person close to someone who has died by suicide becomes depressed to the point of attempting the same thing.
Well here I am, I have called my young friend and left her a message to call me and told her mom I would do what I could to help but I realize that all I can do is reach out in love to her and encourage her in any way I can.
I am making this entry in my blog to explain to others that the pain of loosing someone to suicide is long reaching touching many people, some we don't even know.
I also want to say to my young friend that there is always hope. Things may look dark, there may not be an answer to your troubles that you can see. But I promise there is a lot of reasons to reach out, there are a lot of people who love and need you. You have been a wonderful friend to me and I don;t want to lose you. Please call me. Do not give your mom the same name I have. "Mom Left Behind"
I love you and am very proud of you.
Pattie
Mom Left Behind

Beautiful packages

2010-01-06T04:57:00.000-08:00

It's Wednesday morning and I am sitting quietly alone, except for my kitten Simba who thinks she can blog too. This time alone does give me the time and frame of mind needed to concentrate on anything. The Chaos of the day can be so overwhelming. The days I keep my grand kids leaves me with paradoxical feelings. I love so much to have the children near me. It gives leave to any fears I have concerning their well being. I hope this is a normal feeling for a grandmother, for if it is not I have one more thing in my life to resolve.
I have been called co-dependant, enabling and plain old crazy when it comes to my children and grandchildren. The attitude of many people still upholds the therapeutic belief of tough love. My grandchildren are still too young to apply it to there lives, but I know that there are many adults who have survived by the skin of their teeth because of the application of tough Love in their upbringing. Which leaves them venerable to using the same method of parenting on their own children. I am somewhat relieved that the mode of dealing with troubled teens has taken a different avenue. The 20 years or so that has past has brought some of the professionals to the belief that Love and Acceptance along with responsibility is far more effective that Tough Love ever was. I grieve today for my son who was caught up in the decades of putting all responsibility for acting out and bad behavior solely on the shoulders of the teen. We as parents have been given the gift and the responsibility of raising our children with a balance of proper discipline and an abundance of praise and acceptance. There came a time in my life where I laid aside all my guilt that I had been carrying for Jason's death. I had to accept my part of . responsibility of being a the parent. My failure to come along side my son by telling others that he needed all the support and love that they could give. That the responsibility to care for my son until he was of age to care for himself was ours. The pain I felt when all input and say to Jason's care was taken away from me cannot be put into words. It put me into a tailspin which caused a 3 week stay in a lock down behavioral Health facility, There I learned some of the tools that would later help me face my sons death(God is Good). I had shutdown to the point I did not know how to function. I had hidden my emotions in beautifully wrapped packages and set them up out of my reach. I had fooled myself into believing in the social and politically correct answer to every problem. It was so freeing and frightening when I started opening each package. They held pain, inadequacies, frustration, fear, and one very big package of anger. Opening these packages has been a long difficult journey, but I have had the support of many people and most assuredly My Lord. The journey is not over, but I can rest in knowing there is nothing in any package or any circumstance that can take away my love for my son and my passion to help others who are now or have been suffering in the same way I do.
I hope that you can see through the sorrow in this blog and see the hope that is not just there for me but for anyone willing to reach out and grab hold of it. Hope and Faith can not be seen but believed.

Do something

2010-01-06T03:14:00.000-08:00

It's 4:30 am and I am wide awake. Sleep has not been the same since that day of horror when Jason died. Yet I have come to be OK with it most of the time. The time just before dawn can be a very quiet time to spend in appreciation for all that I have, for all hose in my life, and for meditation, prayer or reading gods word. I have found that the morning is the best time to center myself, reflect on what is going on in all of my relationships, my husband, my children and grandchildren, My family, my church family and my God. I know that if I start my day in devotion and prayer that my day comes together much better.
The internet has been a wonderful tool for me to find inspirational items, stay connected with friends and family and express my self in a way that is not possible for me to do any other way. I can put together pictures and certain items for memorabilia. Since I am such a pack rat it does help in that area of my life. So many wonderful creative items are possible from the use of the computer. I often create a collage of pictures of all my family and sometimes I create a very special piece of artwork to display. I am the type of person that needs to have something to remind me of Jason. If I can't see something I panic. My greatest fear is that Jason will be forgotten. I appreciate the fact that this is not the same for everyone, but it gives me much comfort. It keeps Jason close to me and I need that desperately.
I hope that for anyone who is experiencing the same problem with their sleep can find an outlet, hobby, or just the opportunity to be still and quiet before God. I can honestly say that a certain source of peace will come to you. Be patient and just do SOMETHING.
My heartfelt peace to you

Mom left behind

Memory's voice

2010-01-06T03:03:00.000-08:00

It's 4:30 am and I am wide awake। It's not because I would credit it to my grieving for Jason. I just have not slept well since his death, 18 years ago. So I decided to write something that I hope makes sense. During the day I can hardly wait for nighttime to go to sleep and then I can't seem to stay asleep. The fatigue that can overcome me sometimes may be from the lack of sleep or from the need to stay awake and continue to go over in my mind the questions I still have after all these years. I don't ever expect to be "OVER" the death of my son. I just wonder when my life will feel complete. This may be a futile desire. For I will always have a void in my life. All I seem to able to do is fill that void with the memories of past. I will admit to the greatest fear I have. That is that my son Jason will be forgotten. So I keep writing, I keep talking, and I keep reaching out to others that have the same grief that I do. To offer hope that the days may never be the same but they will be tolerable and even when I allow it become full of joy for my abundant blessings in other places in my life. Don't lose faith and keep on doing what is needed to give each memory a voice in your life and in others life also.

Mom left behind.

2010-01-04T13:39:00.001-08:00

A Brand New Year

Well Christmas is over and New Year is approaching, I am so elated that while not everything was exactly as I wanted it to be It was a glorious day. With all the packages opened and pumpkin pie eaten I still can say that the real meaning for Christmas was felt in my Heart. I can be thankful for another year that could have been snatched from me and others. God must have something else for me to do. I will can hope for another spring with beautiful flowers blooming. I will see my Grandchildren grow another inch or two. I can give most of them hugs daily, while others I have to show them how much I love them in other ways. I have one grand hope this year and that is to see my Great grandson Zachariah Daniel.He is already 2 years old. I have more time to spend with my husband ,to tell him all the reasons I Love him and attempt to return to him the love he has shown me. As far as a New Years resolution, I will aim for recognizing the gifts right in front of me and look for ways of sharing the love within me to others.

Mom left behind

Posted by Mom left behind at 12/29/2009 10:14 AM | Add Comment

A very special Day

Well here we are 3 days before Christmas. It is a very special day. It is my baby's birthday. She is 26 years old. I am so amazed at how well she has turned out. As well as my other kids too. She started out so tiny, 4lbs 10oz. , but they let me bring her home for Christmas.
Today is also a great day as will be the rest of the holiday . I will be happy to be able to eat and swallow, unlike last year where I couldn't even swallow due to the radiation treatments on my throat. I have so much to be thankful for this year. being with most of my family and friends and knowing that the best gift in the world is to be here to share another Christmas and New Years with friends and family. I can say that even in the bad times the hope that remains in my heart will get me through. I Thank god for his son, that is more than my saviour, but also my friend.
So I wish everyone a merry Christmas and a very happy New Year. May God Bless you and keep you in the palm of his hand.

Mom left behind

Posted by Mom left behind at 12/22/2009 11:05 AM | Add Comment

I cannot do this alone

Dec. 12, 2009

I often find that being a pack rat at least when it comes to papers, actually pays off. I find tidbits of wisdom, words of comfort, nuggets of gold . Things that at the time I first acquired it , it was not as relevent as when I find it at a later date. One such item is a prayer I found by Dietrich Bonhoeffer.

I CANNOT DO THIS ALONE

O God, early in the morning I cry to you.
Help me to pray
And to concetrate my thoughts on you:
I cannot do this alone.
In me there is darkness,
But with you there is light;
I am lonely, but you do not leave me;
I am feeble in heart,but

Posted by Mom left behind at 12/12/2009 6:03 PM | Add Comment

Be angry and sin not

December 11,2009

The myriad of emotions that I have felt over the years can not be confined to just a few words. It can not be contained in any way. How I dealt with my grief initially was not to my advantage. I held back the tears, I stood tall and tried to give the impression I was OK. How foolish I have felt since then. The way of grieving that I have observed others expressing, may have been uncomfortable to watch but if grief is expressed as it is felt you will be far more able to travel through your grieving process .I allowed the attitude of being strong for others was definitely the worst way for me to behave. I was so full of sorrow, fear, pain, and anger. I didn't know how to let the tears flow, the sorrow be comforted, the pain be healed or the anger be expressed properly. S as I have traveled this long road I would tell any person that has had a loss of someone they loved is to let things happen. Try as you are able to just be in the moment. Let others comfort you. Feel the pain. Lastly know that the anger is OK. You can deal with it as the time allows you to direct it to the right places. The bible says to" Be angry and sin not". This is not an easy road you will travel but it can become an opportunity to grow closer to your family, your friends and your God.

Posted by Mom left behind at 12/11/2009 6:14 PM | Add Comment

How could this happen

Friday, November 13, 2009

How could this happen?

The day was the same as any other. I went to work. My thoughts were focusedon the upcoming Holidays. Gifts would have to be bought,wrapped and shipped. It was the middle of October and I had a feeling of somethingI can only compare to euphoria. After getting home and starting toprepare a nice meal for my family. My two young children were justplaying when the telephone rang. I casually answered the phone. The voice on the other end was not familiar. It was a female and when she identified herself as my sons' sister in law I knew that something was terribly wrong. I asked her if there wassomething wrong and she replied with a shaky voice, yes. I asked if itwas Jason, my youngest son, and she said yes. I asked if he was dead.She said yes.
I hit the floor .
Icould not seem to comprehend what I had heard. I don't recall sayinganything else at that time. I hung up the phone and tried to tell myhusband what had happened but my girls were within earshot and I didn'twant to say anything around them yet. I gathered my emotions and wentinto automatic drive. I went to my neighbor and asked her to let thekids stay at her house for a while. I told her what had happened andthat I needed to make some phone calls. I can remember I had anoverwhelming need to talk with my oldest son that lived in Arizona aswell.

When I called him at his fathers house I kept telling himit couldn't be true. Finally, after talking with him for a while, I wasable to grasp at the truth that was too unreal to me.
I gathered alittle more composure to communicate with my husband as to what hadhappened. I realized that I would have to call other people and tellthem this awful truth.
I was numb. How could even think of tellingmy family, my mom, my dad, my brothers, my sister. I have never felt soconfused. I was struck with so many thoughts. I was consumed with agripping pain within my body that made me weak and unable to talkrationally. My earlier thoughts of euphoria had been transformed intoanxiety.

I suddenly had a gut wrenching thought that my father,who was a police officer in the town that Jason lived, might be calledto respond to the scene and would have the terrible shock of findinghis own grandson DEAD. My thoughts were racing. I picked up the phoneand called information. I asked for the phone number of the "ChandlerPolice Department". I then called and talked with the dispatch officerwho told me that my son's address was outside the city limits and theSheriffs' Office would be the ones to respond, and that my father hadalready left for the day.
I wasn't sure what to do next. I decidedto call my ex-brother-in-law. He had stayed close to the family and Iknew I could depend upon him. I called him and told him through abroken voice what had happened. I asked him to go to my Fathers' andgive him the unthinkable news.

Before too long the realities ofwhat would need to happen became apparent. I would need to makearrangements to go home and BURY my son. I was not prepared to do this.It was just one of the many impossible things that would need to beaccomplished for many years to come.

I finished fixing dinnerfor my family. made the arrangements for the transportation andgathered the laundry that needed to be done to make my trip to Arizonaand to make sure the girls would be prepared for school.
Finally Iwas sitting on a plane headed to Arizona. It was so strange to besitting among so many people and not one person knew what I wasfeeling. What I was so unprepared to do. All I could think of was "Howcould this happen".

Posted by Mom left behind at 12/10/2009 8:17 AM | Add Comment

Dealing with anxieties

Have you ever had a problem with indecisiveness? It can be a crippling effect on a person. My indecisiveness may have always been a problem for me, after Jason died it became much more noticeable. Just deciding on a vegetable to have with dinner was a major conflict for me. I had even become unable to do certain things at particular times. I was unable to even start dinner around 5 o'clock in the evening.It took a while for me to realize it was due to that being the time of day I received the phone call about Jason's' death. It was only out of necessities to do almost anything for a very long time. I insisted on getting someones else's opinion or input before I could make decisions, perform ordinary tasks. I had become so unsure of everything I did, said, or even thought. I have had to work through many years of pondering my self. Exploring the possibilities that I had never imagined. I would spend most of my time isolated. That isolation enabled me to be crippled and paralyzed to the point of not being able to function as a responsible individual. Working outside my home became overwhelming. Being anxious about everything. Thinking that I must do certain things to prevent a crisis in my loved ones lives. I was so wrapped up in what might happen I did nothing. I can't really determine when things started to change for the better, but I know my husband and children as they grew up into adults had a positive effect on me. My health was declining quickly and the frustrations over what I was unable to do physically wore on my mind also. Grandchildren came along and my whole perspective change.is
I know that by putting one foot in front of the other, taking one day at a time and trusting in my faith was the driving force to my ongoing recovering from fear. The fear which was the underlying problem of everything that was hindering me. As I take on each day I tell my self that the strength I need is from within. It has been there all the time and ready to be grasped at any time. It isn't always easy but it is possible. I have even found peace and joy at times when I rely on my Lord and maybe even another human being.

Posted by Mom left behind at 12/9/2009 3:43 PM | Add Comment

An experiment in blogging

Well I may have found a new way of Blogging connected to my web-site. I will continue to organize and understand how everything gets connected. I then hope to write something of interest to someone.

Mom left behind

Posted by Mom left behind at 12/1/2009 5:21 PM | Add Comment

Welcome

Welcome to my blog. Please check back soon for new entries.

Posted by Mom left behind at 11/30/2009 5:05 PM | Add Comment

Out of the Darkness Walk 2009

2009-12-07T12:45:00.000-08:00

A new day

2009-12-07T07:17:00.000-08:00

While I am learning how this whole process of Blogging and Web Sites I ask for your patience. I title this Blog A new day, because I can only hope each day to be a new experience. Sometimes good, sometimes not so much. I am now 18 years from that devastating day and still I hope for a good day. There is no way of determining which one it will be. I can however choose from a number of responses as to how to deal with the day. I know that there is the healthy way and there is the unhealthy way. It is a choice. There are things I have to do to make either choice a reality. If I look at the beauty of the day and the blessing of having a new day. I will most likely have a better day than if I choose to focus on all the things that can go wrong. What distractions will cause me to loose my patience. Although some things are beyond my control(A fact I don't like). I can learn how to let that lack of control to work for me not against me. It can offer a day full of memories, shared friendships, loving relationships and so much more. I don't have all the answers, but I strive to face each day as A new day.