It's been a while since I've had something I needed to say to my followers. I am now in a place I really don't know how to handle. How do I explain to those close tome that did not know Jason: that there are some things they will never understand. They can not miss someone they have never met. They can not fell the loss of someone that was never there for them. They can never remember the loved one in ways that I do. They can even be insensitive to the feeling, emotions and behaviors that I display.
I want so much to be able to explain to them these things, but to no avail. I don't know if it is because they are unable to have empathy or if they just choose to not see the pain sorrow, loss and emptiness that is within my heart. It does not mean that I have not moved forward and learned to enjoy my my life and appreciate the blessings I have in my life, including them. I am so sorry that they did not know my special boy, Jason. I know that had they known him they would have the understanding of what I go through. I will always have times of feeling the loss of Jason. I will miss him until I see him again in eternity.
I just needed to write this and maybe someone else is feeling the same things.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
It is what it is?
Have you ever heard the statement "It is what it is?" Well I don't quite get it. I am not a person to just let the world pass me by. If I sat back on my haunches and let things just happen, I'd be in a sorry state.
One might say "God has everything under control, so there is nothing for me to do." I don't think that is how God operates. I believe that through our lives we are faced with giants that we have no idea as to how to conquer. I also hope that it is God at work in me that gives me the strength to carry on. It is God working in others as they hold out their hands to help when they see me suffering. The problem that can happen when we allow fear, anxieties, self condemnation or self righteousness to enter our lives is that we come to believe the lies of the world.
So how do we keep the giants of guilt, sorrow, doubt and fear at bay; or even better conquered for good? I don't want anyone to think that I have it all figured out, but I would like to offer some of the actions that have allowed me to take baby steps as I travel the rugged road of grief. There isn't a formula, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I have had to learn some very difficult facts of life. Like my son, Jason will not walk through the door and I will wake up from this terrible nightmare. I have had to realize that I can not pretend everything is OK, when it isn't. While I battle with the doubts and insecurities in my mind that are only lies, I have to look outside of my self to others that truly care about me. I had to take steps out onto a tightrope without a net. I had to enter places I have never gone. I had to embrace my grief just long enough to feel it fully then to let it go and let things be just what they are. A most horrible event that crushes your heart. Then giving a tattered and torn heart to a Loving God to be healed. I know that real healing comes as I travel the road, not chosen by me. but never the less a road that must be explored. Finding along the way nuggets of truth. I met compassion, love, mercy and grace. There was no way around the path, but there is something to be revealed, to be experienced and to be comforted by.
We all have different journeys yet the same destination. We can arrive at a place that the love felt for our lost loved one is catapulted into a place of making a difference for others. I have not met a survivor that does not eventually reach out to someone else that is hurting in the same way they hurt. I see that as Hope for the Hopeless, Help for the Helpless and a place of safety for a broken heart that does not know what to do with the realities before them.
May prayer and hope is for those that are tormented and in despair can hear someone say "I care" and then then hold on until the storm passes.
Mom Left Behind
One might say "God has everything under control, so there is nothing for me to do." I don't think that is how God operates. I believe that through our lives we are faced with giants that we have no idea as to how to conquer. I also hope that it is God at work in me that gives me the strength to carry on. It is God working in others as they hold out their hands to help when they see me suffering. The problem that can happen when we allow fear, anxieties, self condemnation or self righteousness to enter our lives is that we come to believe the lies of the world.
So how do we keep the giants of guilt, sorrow, doubt and fear at bay; or even better conquered for good? I don't want anyone to think that I have it all figured out, but I would like to offer some of the actions that have allowed me to take baby steps as I travel the rugged road of grief. There isn't a formula, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. I have had to learn some very difficult facts of life. Like my son, Jason will not walk through the door and I will wake up from this terrible nightmare. I have had to realize that I can not pretend everything is OK, when it isn't. While I battle with the doubts and insecurities in my mind that are only lies, I have to look outside of my self to others that truly care about me. I had to take steps out onto a tightrope without a net. I had to enter places I have never gone. I had to embrace my grief just long enough to feel it fully then to let it go and let things be just what they are. A most horrible event that crushes your heart. Then giving a tattered and torn heart to a Loving God to be healed. I know that real healing comes as I travel the road, not chosen by me. but never the less a road that must be explored. Finding along the way nuggets of truth. I met compassion, love, mercy and grace. There was no way around the path, but there is something to be revealed, to be experienced and to be comforted by.
We all have different journeys yet the same destination. We can arrive at a place that the love felt for our lost loved one is catapulted into a place of making a difference for others. I have not met a survivor that does not eventually reach out to someone else that is hurting in the same way they hurt. I see that as Hope for the Hopeless, Help for the Helpless and a place of safety for a broken heart that does not know what to do with the realities before them.
May prayer and hope is for those that are tormented and in despair can hear someone say "I care" and then then hold on until the storm passes.
Mom Left Behind
Friday, March 5, 2010
Happy Birthday Jason!!!
March 5th, 2010
I started my blog today with the date.I do so because today is Jason's birthday. He would be 35 years old today.He would have the chance to see his grandson and share in all of his family and friends joys and hardships. I have spent time today contacting the family of Andrew Koenig, who dies by suicide last week. I felt that today was the day to to so. Jason's birthday. As the years have past I have found ways to keep Jason's memory alive. I will light a candle for him today. I will spend time reliving the day he was born and hope to make it through the day with joy and freedom from the sadness and sorrow that sometimes comes without warning.
Today is also a very important day for another reason. Today is our 15th wedding anniversary. We chose this date to be married so as to always have a reason to be happy and joyful for the life God has given us to share together.
I am also very grateful that I am here today to grieve or be joyful. To have been given another year in the Shadow of cancer. I can only be filled with the gratitude that is only been possible by the grace and mercy of God.
I close now to enjoy this very special day with my husband, my friend and lover.
Take care of your self and always be aware of the time you have been given and thankful for the loved ones in your life.
Pattie
Mom left behind
I started my blog today with the date.I do so because today is Jason's birthday. He would be 35 years old today.He would have the chance to see his grandson and share in all of his family and friends joys and hardships. I have spent time today contacting the family of Andrew Koenig, who dies by suicide last week. I felt that today was the day to to so. Jason's birthday. As the years have past I have found ways to keep Jason's memory alive. I will light a candle for him today. I will spend time reliving the day he was born and hope to make it through the day with joy and freedom from the sadness and sorrow that sometimes comes without warning.
Today is also a very important day for another reason. Today is our 15th wedding anniversary. We chose this date to be married so as to always have a reason to be happy and joyful for the life God has given us to share together.
I am also very grateful that I am here today to grieve or be joyful. To have been given another year in the Shadow of cancer. I can only be filled with the gratitude that is only been possible by the grace and mercy of God.
I close now to enjoy this very special day with my husband, my friend and lover.
Take care of your self and always be aware of the time you have been given and thankful for the loved ones in your life.
Pattie
Mom left behind
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Hope through the dark times
My apologies for being so lax in my writings. I have had a week of physical challenges. I do have much to say right now and hope I can communicate it in a way that it can be understood as intended. I have certain times of the year that are more difficult to deal with than others and this is one of those times.
March 5th, 1975 my son Jason was born. He started his life with some difficulties. He was only 5 lbs. 7 oz. and had a double inguinal hernia, which required surgery. He was 7 months old before that was done. Until then he was in a great amount of pain at times. I can still remember as if it where yesterday, rocking him and singing to him just to keep him from crying constantly. I can feel his tiny body in my arms and feeling so helpless to bring him comfort. This is a part of the loss that can bring me the most pain.
I can at times wonder if this Early circumstance in his life led to a long term feeling of unexplained and not understood pain that brought him to the point of despair that led to his death. It is not that I feel that there was any guilt or responsibility on my part for this fact. It is just a pondering that occurs at times.
After a time, after his birthday has past and spring comes to spread it's beauty to be absorbed. I will remember the truth of God's hand in all things. That through the darkest times of winter there is an awakening ahead to behold. The joy of the Resurrection is made known and the pain of my loss is lightened from my heart . I know that with God in control I will be comforted and renewed by his grace and mercy.
I have come to understand that I must have the moments in the valley to appreciate the mountain top experiences so graciously given. My hope is stirred and I am given the opportunity to share his love with others that have lived with the pain of loss.
I hope these words, although may appear to be dark or hopeless can be seen if only dimly a promise of joy to come.
Mom left behind.
For the Lord shall be He is an everlasting light and the days of my mourning shall be ended.
Is.60:20
March 5th, 1975 my son Jason was born. He started his life with some difficulties. He was only 5 lbs. 7 oz. and had a double inguinal hernia, which required surgery. He was 7 months old before that was done. Until then he was in a great amount of pain at times. I can still remember as if it where yesterday, rocking him and singing to him just to keep him from crying constantly. I can feel his tiny body in my arms and feeling so helpless to bring him comfort. This is a part of the loss that can bring me the most pain.
I can at times wonder if this Early circumstance in his life led to a long term feeling of unexplained and not understood pain that brought him to the point of despair that led to his death. It is not that I feel that there was any guilt or responsibility on my part for this fact. It is just a pondering that occurs at times.
After a time, after his birthday has past and spring comes to spread it's beauty to be absorbed. I will remember the truth of God's hand in all things. That through the darkest times of winter there is an awakening ahead to behold. The joy of the Resurrection is made known and the pain of my loss is lightened from my heart . I know that with God in control I will be comforted and renewed by his grace and mercy.
I have come to understand that I must have the moments in the valley to appreciate the mountain top experiences so graciously given. My hope is stirred and I am given the opportunity to share his love with others that have lived with the pain of loss.
I hope these words, although may appear to be dark or hopeless can be seen if only dimly a promise of joy to come.
Mom left behind.
For the Lord shall be He is an everlasting light and the days of my mourning shall be ended.
Is.60:20
Thursday, February 11, 2010
The Refiners Fire
Today I have had two people that read my entry yesterday and seemed to come to the conclusion I was slipping into a depression or had lost my way. I don't know how to respond to this except to say that I am very in tuned to my feelings these days.
I once thought I had been handed a bad hand in life. Divorce, abuse, rejection, heartbreak, and many other curve balls. I guess by one persons assessments that is true. I'm not sure I can explain it in a way that it is understood as I mean it to be. ....My life is a life that has been wonderfully made by God. I am His cherished child, just the way I am. With all my defects. God has even given me the gift of being refined by the fire of this world. All of my adversities are only opportunities to grow closer to Him and have courage and strength produced to stretch out my hand to someone else. A way to touch someone's life in a positive way.
The times of reflection(Or looking into the past ) are one way that I become aware of what God has done and continues to do in my life. Maybe that appears as if I am falling into dangerous territory but if I do I don't ever go there alone. My God and his son are always with me. They open my heart to the Holy Spirit and show me how they can operate in and through me.
I hope this puts others concerns to rest. I can never go back to the old ways, not now that I am known by God and covered by the blood of Jesus.
I once thought I had been handed a bad hand in life. Divorce, abuse, rejection, heartbreak, and many other curve balls. I guess by one persons assessments that is true. I'm not sure I can explain it in a way that it is understood as I mean it to be. ....My life is a life that has been wonderfully made by God. I am His cherished child, just the way I am. With all my defects. God has even given me the gift of being refined by the fire of this world. All of my adversities are only opportunities to grow closer to Him and have courage and strength produced to stretch out my hand to someone else. A way to touch someone's life in a positive way.
The times of reflection(Or looking into the past ) are one way that I become aware of what God has done and continues to do in my life. Maybe that appears as if I am falling into dangerous territory but if I do I don't ever go there alone. My God and his son are always with me. They open my heart to the Holy Spirit and show me how they can operate in and through me.
I hope this puts others concerns to rest. I can never go back to the old ways, not now that I am known by God and covered by the blood of Jesus.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I do have choices!!!
Have you ever had a day that you would just as soon cancel it for lack of interest? Well today would be that one for me. There are the moments that I question my self and all the choices I have made in my life. When given enough thought they can pull me down to a place that becomes sad, longing for things to be different. I don't really know how different I want things to be but the fact of the way things are now isn't it. I have discovered through many of those low days that they bring to light how very precious the days full of optimism and hope can be. Where did they go? How did I let them slip out of my hand?
Somehow I come to recognize that I have choices in my life and my attitudes that allow me to never stay sad, morose, empty and alone for too long. I have the ability no matter the circumstances to take charge of my life and make it a day of hope. I become aware of the people in my life and that I am assured of their love. I can grasp the fleeting thoughts that make sense to me. Thoughts that tell me that I am not crazy or destined for a life of depression. These revelations have not come easy. I have had to keep forging forward when I wanted to turn around and run to a safe place. (If there even is one) I wish I could tell you that I have achieved the art of "positive thinking or affirmations", but there are times that that just doesn't work. I do know that I have a friend that will never leave me nor forsake me. That is Jesus Christ. He has made that promise to me. All I have to do is reach out my hand to him. Offer him a place in my heart all always and the times of depression are decreased many times over. God offers his presence in many ways. Sometimes it's a hug from a grandchild, a smile from a stranger, a friends phone call. Many times it is in seeing someone that is in a greater need of God's love and reassurance than I am. I then have the opportunity to offer to them what God has given me. That God could possibly use me. It is an awesome fact and I feel so privileged to be able to be God's Hands, feet, and mouth to a dying world. I give God thanks every day for the time he has given me and I hope to never lose hold of the hand that has saved me.
Mom left behind
Somehow I come to recognize that I have choices in my life and my attitudes that allow me to never stay sad, morose, empty and alone for too long. I have the ability no matter the circumstances to take charge of my life and make it a day of hope. I become aware of the people in my life and that I am assured of their love. I can grasp the fleeting thoughts that make sense to me. Thoughts that tell me that I am not crazy or destined for a life of depression. These revelations have not come easy. I have had to keep forging forward when I wanted to turn around and run to a safe place. (If there even is one) I wish I could tell you that I have achieved the art of "positive thinking or affirmations", but there are times that that just doesn't work. I do know that I have a friend that will never leave me nor forsake me. That is Jesus Christ. He has made that promise to me. All I have to do is reach out my hand to him. Offer him a place in my heart all always and the times of depression are decreased many times over. God offers his presence in many ways. Sometimes it's a hug from a grandchild, a smile from a stranger, a friends phone call. Many times it is in seeing someone that is in a greater need of God's love and reassurance than I am. I then have the opportunity to offer to them what God has given me. That God could possibly use me. It is an awesome fact and I feel so privileged to be able to be God's Hands, feet, and mouth to a dying world. I give God thanks every day for the time he has given me and I hope to never lose hold of the hand that has saved me.
Mom left behind
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
New and Old
If you are wondering why I haven't posted anything in a while, it is because I have been very busy with a new and old ventures. It is the first of the month and I have the monthly support group at a local church. I also was invited to attend a 1st meeting to address the impact of Mental illness and substance abuse in our County. I was so very shocked and honored to be invited and can see that after the 1st meeting there is an abundance of work to be done in many areas and venues. Including local behavioural health agencies, Law enforcement, schools, churches, and the media. I hope to be able to offer something too the group. A task force is truly an answer to my prayers. I hope to stay healthy and able to continue the ongoing efforts started with Heartbeat and include other community efforts that are clearly urgent.
We have had a bit of weather in our area and getting places has presented a slight problem. I was able to meet all of my obligations and am thankful for that. I have also had a printer problem that has required a bit of time to correct. (My husband was the champion in getting it up and running) .
I have had some correspondence with some very old friends and with the communication via the Internet have rekindle old friendships, which has been uplifting. I hope all that I am doing here with this time blogging is reaching someone who needs to receive it. My feelings of loss are still a part of my grieving that will never end.It changes shape and form but is always a part of who I am and what I have come to be so passionate about.
I leave you today with this prayer. I hope it offer some peace to everyone.
Prayer for the brokenhearted.
O God,
whose love restores the brokenhearted of this world:
pour out your love,
we beseech you,
upon those who feel
lonely, abandoned, or unloved.
Strengthen their hope
to meet the days ahead;
give them the courage
to form life-giving friendships;
and bless them with joy of your eternal peace
Vienna Cobb Anderson
We have had a bit of weather in our area and getting places has presented a slight problem. I was able to meet all of my obligations and am thankful for that. I have also had a printer problem that has required a bit of time to correct. (My husband was the champion in getting it up and running) .
I have had some correspondence with some very old friends and with the communication via the Internet have rekindle old friendships, which has been uplifting. I hope all that I am doing here with this time blogging is reaching someone who needs to receive it. My feelings of loss are still a part of my grieving that will never end.It changes shape and form but is always a part of who I am and what I have come to be so passionate about.
I leave you today with this prayer. I hope it offer some peace to everyone.
Prayer for the brokenhearted.
O God,
whose love restores the brokenhearted of this world:
pour out your love,
we beseech you,
upon those who feel
lonely, abandoned, or unloved.
Strengthen their hope
to meet the days ahead;
give them the courage
to form life-giving friendships;
and bless them with joy of your eternal peace
Vienna Cobb Anderson
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